Well... this is a long overdue post. Unfortunately, it's not a happy one, or even a very interesting one. I'm writing it more for myself than for anyone else, because if I don't explain myself, I feel guilty. So, if you want the short, simple answer for why I've been absent for months, it's because I've been going through a "major depressive episode." If you don't care to know any more than that, just skip this post and tune in next time for happier, art-related stuff.
I've spent the past few months hating myself. Not just occasionally, but constantly. I've felt worthless, useless, lazy, incompetent, stupid, unsuccessful, pathetic, pitiful, so on and so forth... It's hard to find anything worthwhile about myself anymore. I accomplish nothing. I have no purpose or motivation. Most days, it's a struggle to even get out of bed, especially knowing that if I do, I'm going to have to face people. Being around other people is so hard because I'm pretty sure they see what I see whenever I look in the mirror. I'm pretty sure they see a pathetic failure, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's being seen as incompetent and weak. It's worst with my family, because I know they want so much more for me and have expected so much more out of me, but it's uncomfortable with my friends as well since I compare my life to theirs and see them achieve and overcome so much. My friends are truly some incredible people and they make me so proud. It's just hard to face everyone when I know that I don't make them the least bit proud of me anymore.
I think I have to pause my depressing rambling for a moment to say that I'm not writing this to get your pity or have you all shower me in compliments to make me feel better about myself. That would make me even more pathetic than I already am, and it probably wouldn't be very helpful anyway. So yeah. No pity-induced fawning, ok? Ok.
Carrying on... As far as art goes, it's been an interesting battle. I went through a period where I couldn't do anything at all, whether it was making jewelry or working on the portraits that I've promised to people. It's hard to create something beautiful when you feel so ugly, so every time I attempted to work on something, I basically wound up sitting there staring at it as if willing it to somehow make itself. As you can imagine, this also means I haven't gone to any festivals or put anything new on the website, so my little art business has kind of been on pause. I'm just recently starting to emerge from this a little, so I have a few new pieces lying around. Hopefully it's only uphill from here, so maybe I'll have something to show you guys soon.
Anyway, I guess the point of all of this was to explain my lack of posts (and maybe my lack of any communication at all with some of you), as well as to let you know that I'm trying to pull myself out of my little hidey-hole and get some artsy things done. There will be things here eventually. I swear.
