"It is said that there are only two real emotions one experiences in life. Fear and love. All others come from these two." ~ Jann Semkow
I don't know if that quote is true or not, but it's something I've spent a lot of time thinking about. Recently, a friend and I both had to make a choice between those two emotions in our personal lives. As someone who has never been particularly skilled at handling emotions, it was a difficult decision for me to make, but in the end, I chose love over fear. Unfortunately for me, my friend chose fear. I don't really know which of us got the worse end of the deal. Sure, now I'm dealing with a lot of pain that I'm sure my friend has managed to avoid... but for once in my life, I don't feel like a coward. For years, all of the people closest to me have made a point of telling me how weak and fearful I am. I've had so much advice on how I'm supposed to feel and think, and frankly, it's sickening. It led me to a point where I felt only anger, depression, or nothing at all. I was so tired of people acting like my point of view wasn't valid, and then suddenly, someone comes along who not only makes me realize just how valid my feelings and thoughts are, but who also lets me just... feel. Being known, daring to let myself hope for anything, allowing myself to be the walking mess of contradictions that I am instead of shutting pieces of myself away... it was terrifying. I was tempted to let that fear overpower me. I was tempted to run away and retreat behind all of my defenses where I couldn't be disappointed or hurt. But I didn't. I chose to let myself feel loved. I had the strength to stay, to open myself up to new possibilities. Sure, I didn't get what I wanted. I'm hurt and I'm disappointed. But I know now that I'm not weak. I'm strong, I'm here, and I'm not running away.
So... for those of you who skipped the rant about my personal life, let me fill you in on the business. Sold five necklaces to my wonderful family at my grandfather's birthday party. They were very supportive so it was a fairly nice day. Been making more jewelry, but not as much as I should be making. Trying to make myself do some drawing too, but it's so hard to get started on a portrait. Incredibly, paralyzingly hard. Went shopping for materials today. Spent way too much money, as usual. Hobby Lobby is evil. They like to suck me in with 50% off sales. I went in for one thing, came out with ten. C'est la vie. On the upside, I got accepted to Hatch Market. Woohoo! So now I need to stock up on lots of jewelry for it. Need to get my rear in gear and get some prints made too. For those of you in the Griffin, GA area, Hatch Market is now a part of Doctoberfest, and it'll be running all afternoon and evening on October 23. Good news for me since it means more people will be there now.
Well, I'm off to go listen to tragic love songs and make jewelry. Maybe I can get rid of this giant headache too. Doubtful, but I'm daring to hope.
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