I don't know how it is for most artistic people, but for me, the creative life is an extremely difficult one. When I was younger, things would flow so freely that there were times I was struggling to get all of my ideas out before they could overwhelm me. Most days were an unbarred flood of creativity straight from my brain and heart into my hands. Then at some point about five years ago, I somehow managed to construct a dam, and now I can't seem to get any of my ideas out. It's incredibly frustrating because I have all of this stuff inside me building up and 90% of it never gets out. The 10% that does make it, I have to force out, and it's usually an exhausting process. There's this huge wall between what I think and what I do, and I don't really know how to tear it down. The biggest problem right now is that I've spent my whole life building up to a career in the arts, and now I can't create. I can't draw, I can't write, I can barely even make jewelry anymore.
Most people don't even know that I want to write a novel. Did you know that? I have this whole story in my head... and only in my head. I've been working on it since I was about 15 years old. I have these wonderful characters, amazingly beautiful cultures, an entire world that I created all on my own... Back when I started it, I wrote about twelve chapters. Of course, since then I've grown up and completely revamped the plot and the characters, so those twelve chapters are worthless. But at the time, I would pass my story around to my classmates, and I had at least ten people waiting on the edge of their seats for me to finish the next chapter. It made me proud of myself and eager to create more. In fact, all of my art has always made me feel that way... until recently. I want that back.
Art in any form is a huge self-esteem boost for me, as well as a release of all of this creative energy I have inside of me. That's what I desperately need, and I'm not sure what's holding me back from getting it. I need to feel good about myself and what I do, and I need to share my ideas with the world, as terrifying as that might be sometimes. I wish I could just take a sledgehammer to all of these walls I've built up around myself. No idea how to do that. Anyone know a good shrink? Sometimes I feel like I'm just crazy.
Anyway, maybe I'll make some future posts about my book... if it's something anyone is interested in. I don't know. It might make me feel better to at least talk about it since I'm obviously not writing it. Bleh. Ok, I'm done ranting.
Quick update on things... Berry's festival was cancelled because of rain and has been moved to April 9th. I'll probably still be there... trying to work things out so I can make it. Hampton's Yellow Pollen Festival was a moderate success. Nothing great, but I sold about seven pieces of jewelry, so I guess that's good. Trying desperately to get up the motivation to finish the commissioned portraits I have lined up since people have been waiting a long time for them. Some people have promised to have jewelry parties for me soon, so hopefully that will happen and I can get some money there. I don't know. I think that's it. Off I go to do more of nothing.
I completely empathize with you.
ReplyDelete::points at self::
Case in point.
For me, it's been a process of working to beat my considerable fear of having taken every opportunity and still hitting a dead end. I have this fear that I will get stuck if I don't keep moving, that if I just keep pushing myself and paddling out to sea, eventually a current will pick me up and carry me to my dreams.
Then again, constantly swimming is a kind of "stuck" of its own.
I would love to read anything you want to write. But don't do it because I'm interested. Write it for yourself. In the end that's what it comes down to. Fulfilling your own potential. Livin' the dream. I believe in you.
And we are much overdue for a dinner date, methinks. :-D