An Explanation

     Well... this is a long overdue post. Unfortunately, it's not a happy one, or even a very interesting one. I'm writing it more for myself than for anyone else, because if I don't explain myself, I feel guilty. So, if you want the short, simple answer for why I've been absent for months, it's because I've been going through a "major depressive episode." If you don't care to know any more than that, just skip this post and tune in next time for happier, art-related stuff.

     I've spent the past few months hating myself. Not just occasionally, but constantly. I've felt worthless, useless, lazy, incompetent, stupid, unsuccessful, pathetic, pitiful, so on and so forth... It's hard to find anything worthwhile about myself anymore. I accomplish nothing. I have no purpose or motivation. Most days, it's a struggle to even get out of bed, especially knowing that if I do, I'm going to have to face people. Being around other people is so hard because I'm pretty sure they see what I see whenever I look in the mirror. I'm pretty sure they see a pathetic failure, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's being seen as incompetent and weak. It's worst with my family, because I know they want so much more for me and have expected so much more out of me, but it's uncomfortable with my friends as well since I compare my life to theirs and see them achieve and overcome so much. My friends are truly some incredible people and they make me so proud. It's just hard to face everyone when I know that I don't make them the least bit proud of me anymore.

     I think I have to pause my depressing rambling for a moment to say that I'm not writing this to get your pity or have you all shower me in compliments to make me feel better about myself. That would make me even more pathetic than I already am, and it probably wouldn't be very helpful anyway. So yeah. No pity-induced fawning, ok? Ok.

     Carrying on... As far as art goes, it's been an interesting battle. I went through a period where I couldn't do anything at all, whether it was making jewelry or working on the portraits that I've promised to people. It's hard to create something beautiful when you feel so ugly, so every time I attempted to work on something, I basically wound up sitting there staring at it as if willing it to somehow make itself. As you can imagine, this also means I haven't gone to any festivals or put anything new on the website, so my little art business has kind of been on pause. I'm just recently starting to emerge from this a little, so I have a few new pieces lying around. Hopefully it's only uphill from here, so maybe I'll have something to show you guys soon.

     Anyway, I guess the point of all of this was to explain my lack of posts (and maybe my lack of any communication at all with some of you), as well as to let you know that I'm trying to pull myself out of my little hidey-hole and get some artsy things done. There will be things here eventually. I swear.

Meanwhile, in Kaitlin's world...

     Hello, faithful blog followers. I apologize for abandoning you and forcing you to languish in the agony that your lives must be without me, but I've been too busy spitting out random pieces of jewelry like some deranged jewelry dragon. Raaawr.

     I feel the sudden need to draw a deranged jewelry-spitting dragon. Sounds complicated. Amanda, take care of that for me, will you? Give it my hair, because everything looks better with long, black hair.

     There's really nothing new to report here. Still no events lined up, no new additions to the site (those are coming soon though, I swear!), and I'm still looking for a "real" job. If you know some event taking place later this year where I can sell my semi-fabulous jewelry, do let me know. If you don't find a place for me to sell stuff, my room is going to overflow with necklaces, bracelets, earrings, etc. and my family and I will drown in a sea of beads. You don't want that to happen, do you?

Swimming in Ideas

"I equate inspiration with desire -- the desire that moves us to be artists in the first place. To attempt to make a painting without this motivation is a waste of time." ~ Nita Engle


     Ok, so I don't paint, but I like the quote all the same. Been a while since I prefaced my post with a quote. I guess I got lazy for a while. Anyway, this post is about various assorted things, some art-related, some not.


     My head is swimming with inspiration lately. I feel like I'm drowning in it. I have so many ideas and very little willpower to actually make them realities. Nevertheless, I get up every day and try. Maybe it's just hard for me to choose a direction since my heart is pulling me so many different ways. Maybe you guys can help me narrow it down some. I just purchased Méav's "Silver Sea" album at the Midsummer Night's Eve Festival, and it has me wanting to make a lot of really elegant sea-themed jewelry. I mean come on... her songs are just full of inspirational imagery. Then I went and saw the Lord of the Rings extended editions on the big screen the past two weeks, so I've got elvish jewelry on the brain. If I could, I'd live in Rivendell and wear gowns and circlets every day. Not really sure how I would go about making elvish jewelry though, since it's mostly metalwork, not beaded. Also, I've had this Harry Potter quidditch necklace in mind for a few months and so far I've only managed to start on the quaffle charm. Way to go, right? I want to make Luna's radish earrings too. Then I have a TON of steampunk components lying around because I really wanted to expand my Pistols and Pearls collection after being inspired by all the people at TimeGate. I have keys, locks, gears, found objects galore... Then I've also had the urge to work with some of my high-quality materials like gemstones and freshwater pearls... but that drives up the price of the pieces and means that I won't sell them until I find an appropriate venue where people are actually willing to pay for the good stuff. I was also inspired by Kerry over at Fantastic Visions to take some of my undrilled stones and make them into pendants by wrapping polyclay figures around them. I'm not sure I have the sculpting skills to pull it off, but it'd be nice to finally be able to use all the polished stones I have lying around. 


     So all of that is floating around in my head. Anyone have preferences or other ideas? 


     Anyway, in addition to working on my jewelry, I've been trying to make plans for DragonCon. My friend Heather is dragging me to it, so I'm working on costumes. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do the Arwen Dream Gown from The Two Towers. I love Arwen's costumes, and the Dream Gown is the only one that I'd be able to pull off comfortably in the Georgia heat. I already have elf ears, so now I'm just working on putting the gown together and getting the Evenstar pendant just to make it a little more Arwenish. And if I decide to go for multiple days (it's looking like I might), then I'm going to try a Harry Potter themed costume (quidditch robes or Beauxbatons uniform) and a Star Wars themed costume (Senator Amidala or... God only knows what... Lots of ideas that probably won't work). Or maybe I'll just try something steampunk. I don't know. It's hard to costume in a place as hot as Georgia. So anyway. That's happening. 


     Also still looking for conventions and festivals where I can sell. Thinking about Geek Media Expo, HallowCon, and Hurricane Who. Don't really know much about any of them, but they look like they might work well.


     Now I'm going to go sing some Celtic music and practice my ballroom dancing in the living room before my parents get home. Woohoodle!

A Fan's Dilemma

     I've discovered that there's a problem with my idea of working at conventions and other geek events... I want to go to these things and have fun. Take this month's Midsummer Night's Eve festival in Flovilla. I was planning to go with Heather in the evening, have a few drinks at the bar, and wander around having fun while dressed like a fairy. Solid plan. Now I find out they still have space for vendors. Not only do they have space, but it's affordable space! And it's fantasy geeks, so my stuff might sell really well. But then I'd have to be there all day, outside, in the heat, stuck in one place, not participating in any events, etc. How lame is that? So now I have to choose between money and fun. I need more minions to help me run my booth at these things. Blah. Also have to decide if I want to journey down to Florida for Time Lord Fest... can't decide if it's worth the drive.

     So yeah, no idea what I'm going to do yet. Everything is kind of falling apart on me at the moment, and my head is an absolute mess. But the good news is that I've started sculpting a quaffle for my quidditch necklace. That counts for something, right?

Better TimeGate Post

     All right. Now that I'm not dead on my feet, I can actually post something significant about my weekend. It really was a lot of fun, even if I was working most of the time. First let me say that hanging out with Heather, Crystal, LynCee (did I spell that right?), Jude, and Liz was awesome. They're a great group of girls and they kept me from making a fool of myself... most of the time. Special thanks to Heather for being such an amazing friend and helping me out with my booth. I really couldn't have pulled this off without her.

     My booth was a decent success and a huge self-esteem boost for me. People actually kept coming back over and over again to look at my work instead of just glancing at it and moving on. It felt so much better than the other festivals I've participated in. Also, while in other places they whine about the price of my pieces, this time a lovely woman actually looked at my two most expensive pieces and said, "Wow. Those prices are very reasonable." You have no idea how much I appreciated that. In addition, I sold the most expensive piece I had. My pride and joy, Yule Blossom, was my greatest masterpiece to date and featured freshwater pearls, garnet, and peridot stones along with a beautiful pendant that functions as a clasp. The best part is, I sold it to Crystal, so I'll get to see it again someday. It's always hard to part with a piece that you've spent so many hours on, so it's great that it went to someone I like who I know will take good care of it. Thanks, mate!

     Anyway, my time spent in the dealers room was a little boring at times since I was there for around 19 hours during the course of the weekend, but I had great company in there. My fellow dealers were fantastic people, and I plan to stay in touch with them (you know how good I am at staying in touch, though...). Special shoutout to Kerry, Connie, Illya, and GuineaPigLady! Thanks for keeping me entertained and giving me great tips on improving my business! Love you guys! Please check the links on the side of the page to look at their work. They have fabulous pieces. I also had a ton of great customers who gave me good advice and encouragement. It was wonderful. So thanks to everyone who bought my work, and I hope you'll visit me again in the future!

     I think one of the best parts about the weekend was the room party on Saturday night. If you have a full bar, open door, and blaring music, the geeks will come. What started out as a small gathering of friends turned into a room full of strangers, and it was great. I spent the early portion of the night chatting with Billy Dee Williams aka Doug as he drank his Colt 45 and shared his amazing drawings with me. Not only is Doug an accomplished professor in Norfolk, but he also has his own webcomic and some crazy awesome ninja dance moves. Later in the night I spent several hours talking to the amazing Ken Spivey of the Ken Spivey Band. I think he might be one of the most interesting men I've ever met, and his music is wonderful. He's part of an upcoming event in Florida called Time Lord Fest, so if you're a Doctor Who fan, you should definitely check that out. I might wind up going myself. Anyway, keep an eye out for links to both Doug and Ken on the left side of the page.

     So there are the highlights from my first convention adventure. I definitely plan to attend more conventions in the future. Anyway, my schedule is currently empty, so I need to go off and find more events to fill it, as well as restock my inventory. I have plans for a crazy awesome quidditch necklace, so look for that sometime soon. Yay for geeky inspiration!

I'm Alive and Mostly Well

     Another very short post here... I'm super tired and my voice is shot, but TimeGate was overall a success. I actually made money this time! Woohoodle! Aside from that, it was great to spend three days with "my people" instead of the average joe who looks at me like I'm an idiot when I go off on a geek rant or want to wear a circlet to dinner. So yeah, I met some really cool people that I want to a) keep in touch with and b) promote... so you can expect a post about some of them in the future (you know who you are, booth buddies and room party people). But for now, I'm going to rest. I've never done so much talking in my life.

Site Update

     I'm too tired and feeling too sick to really say anything useful here, but I thought I'd post a quick update on the price adjustments I've been working on lately. Nothing major, just reduced the price of some pieces on my site. I also finished adding buy buttons to the miscellaneous category in my jewelry. Now to go back to doing more work. Yay me.

Geeks of the World, Unite!

     So yeah... Berry's Arts and Crafts Festival was a bust. I made enough to cover the cost of the $15 table, but I'm pretty sure I didn't make enough to cover the cost of the gas I used to get all the way up to Rome. I only sold two things. Did you know that in the year I've been doing this, I've only made $1,200? And the cost of my expenses is waaay more than that. I'm down several hundred dollars. Yay me. As if my financial failure wasn't enough, I also completely destroyed my body at the festival, pulling muscles in my arms, getting a smiley face sunburn on the one part of my back that I couldn't reach with sunscreen, and dropping a table on my ankle to make what is now a very large, oddly shaped bruise. Gaaaah...

     Anyway... I have a very short break until my next event which is TimeGate in Atlanta on May 27-29. For those of you who have no idea what TimeGate is, it's a Doctor Who/Stargate convention that my friend Heather pointed out to me. I'm actually kind of excited about this one, but I'm nervous too because if I fail here, I don't know where else I stand a chance. See, I'm kind of hoping that maybe I'll find my niche selling jewelry to my fellow geeks at conventions. Geeks spend a lot of money, especially on costumes for cons. So I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that I can make this work. In preparation, I've been researching jewelry and other items used on both shows to see if I can make reproductions or pieces inspired by various characters, places, and things. Now, I know absolutely nothing about Doctor Who, so I'm pretty much relying on Heather, my favorite Doctor Who fanatic, to point me in the right direction. I am, however, a fan of Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis, so that part is kind of fun. Except for the part where I can't afford a Stargate costume because I have very little money coming in. That part sucks. Anywhooo, I've got several possible pieces running through my brain, including Replicator block pendants, Adipose charms, Eldrad's ring, Harmony's pendant, and necklaces worn by Teyla Emmagan, Ronon Dex, Osiris, Bynarr, and Amaunet, just to name a few. Knowing me and my lack of motivation, I'll be lucky if I make even half the stuff I have planned out, but still, if anyone has suggestions, let me know. I might just do a collection inspired by the most famous Goa'uld from SG-1... like Ba'al, Amaterasu, Kali, Apophis, Morrigan, Camulus, Cronus, Hathor, Nirrti, etc.

Opinions?

Creative Musings...

     I don't know how it is for most artistic people, but for me, the creative life is an extremely difficult one. When I was younger, things would flow so freely that there were times I was struggling to get all of my ideas out before they could overwhelm me. Most days were an unbarred flood of creativity straight from my brain and heart into my hands. Then at some point about five years ago, I somehow managed to construct a dam, and now I can't seem to get any of my ideas out. It's incredibly frustrating because I have all of this stuff inside me building up and 90% of it never gets out. The 10% that does make it, I have to force out, and it's usually an exhausting process. There's this huge wall between what I think and what I do, and I don't really know how to tear it down. The biggest problem right now is that I've spent my whole life building up to a career in the arts, and now I can't create. I can't draw, I can't write, I can barely even make jewelry anymore.

     Most people don't even know that I want to write a novel. Did you know that? I have this whole story in my head... and only in my head. I've been working on it since I was about 15 years old. I have these wonderful characters, amazingly beautiful cultures, an entire world that I created all on my own... Back when I started it, I wrote about twelve chapters. Of course, since then I've grown up and completely revamped the plot and the characters, so those twelve chapters are worthless. But at the time, I would pass my story around to my classmates, and I had at least ten people waiting on the edge of their seats for me to finish the next chapter. It made me proud of myself and eager to create more. In fact, all of my art has always made me feel that way... until recently. I want that back.

     Art in any form is a huge self-esteem boost for me, as well as a release of all of this creative energy I have inside of me. That's what I desperately need, and I'm not sure what's holding me back from getting it. I need to feel good about myself and what I do, and I need to share my ideas with the world, as terrifying as that might be sometimes. I wish I could just take a sledgehammer to all of these walls I've built up around myself. No idea how to do that. Anyone know a good shrink? Sometimes I feel like I'm just crazy.

     Anyway, maybe I'll make some future posts about my book... if it's something anyone is interested in. I don't know. It might make me feel better to at least talk about it since I'm obviously not writing it. Bleh. Ok, I'm done ranting.

     Quick update on things... Berry's festival was cancelled because of rain and has been moved to April 9th. I'll probably still be there... trying to work things out so I can make it. Hampton's Yellow Pollen Festival was a moderate success. Nothing great, but I sold about seven pieces of jewelry, so I guess that's good. Trying desperately to get up the motivation to finish the commissioned portraits I have lined up since people have been waiting a long time for them. Some people have promised to have jewelry parties for me soon, so hopefully that will happen and I can get some money there. I don't know. I think that's it. Off I go to do more of nothing.

Thank Ya Very Much

     I don't really have anything interesting to talk about right now, so this post is purely for updates. First, thanks to the four people who voted in the poll that was open for two weeks. I have no idea why you're actually interested in me and my stuff more than tutorials and other artists, but I'll do my best to spend more time talking about the work of yours truly. Just don't try to stalk me or something. I'm really not THAT interesting. Anyway, I spent some time today working on my website, so there's a new piece or two up and I'm pretty sure everything on the site has a buy button on it now. Finally, don't forget that for the next two weekends, I'll be out and about peddling my wares. If you have the chance, please drop by the Hampton Yellow Pollen Street Festival on the 19th or the Berry Arts and Crafts Festival on the 26th and say hi.

     In preparation for the upcoming festivals, I'm attempting to wring as much creative energy as I can out of this feeble body of mine. Just now finished baking a new bracelet and ring (yes, I'm starting to make rings!), and I'm cranking out some other clay stuff as well. Hopefully I'll have some pictures later. Aside from making jewelry though, all of my free time is about to be devoured by Dragon Age II (WOOHOODLE!) so don't look for many posts this month. This might be it. Sayonara!

This isn't a democracy, but feel free to vote anyway!

     I have added a poll! It's in <--------- that direction. Or, for those of you who don't understand arrows, it's on the left side of the screen. No, your other left. That's it. Yeah. Ok. So since I don't know a) what to write about half the time, b) what people want to know, and c) if anyone even cares what I write about, I've decided to just ask. Ask and ye shall receive or some such. If there's an option I've left off or if you just want to leave me your two cents, give me a comment! I like comments! They're like crack for a blogger. Or something. Maybe that's just me. Anywho, poll is open for two weeks, so get voting!

So... Yeah...

     I'm still alive! I swear! I guess I thought since I gave you pretty pictures, I was allowed to take a vacation. Or maybe I'm just an incredibly lazy person with nothing important to say. One of those. Anyway, I'm slightly ashamed to say that the latest Sims 3 expansion packs have been sucking up all of my free time lately. Every day I tell myself that I should be working on something incredibly awesome, and then I realize that I still have no motivation so I just play Sims. Then I spend every minute feeling ridiculously guilty. I blame my workaholic parents for the guilt. Just because I can. It's what daughters do.

     Anyway, here's a little bit to report on the art front. Two of the people connected to my babysitting job have told me that they plan to throw jewelry parties for me sometime within the next few months, so I'm feeling rather hopeful about that. I've also been accepted to sell my goods at the Hampton Yellow Pollen Street Festival. It takes place on March 19th in downtown Hampton, so if you're in the area be sure to drop by and say hello. I also need to get a space at Berry's Arts and Crafts Festival. It might be my last time attending that one, simply because I'm running out of people to see at Berry and don't really fancy spending several hours sitting at a table by myself. Meh. We'll see. Anywho, I imagine I'll be picking up the pace once some of my stuff starts selling. I think the main reason why I stopped creating is because it doesn't really seem like there's any point when no one is buying what I've made. Why spend hours and hours and hours making things when they're just going to sit in the corner of my room in a bag with the rest of my work? My motivation comes from people appreciating my work. Same thing with this blog. I wasn't planning to post today, but I saw that someone had commented on one of my posts so I was like "Hey! People actually DO read this! I'm not just blabbing to the empty void of the internets!" Thus, a post was born. Hope you enjoyed it.

Scanner Success?

    Well, I tried scanning some of my jewelry pieces tonight... finally. It worked very well for some and very poorly for others, which is basically what I expected. There were some nice flat pieces that turned out well, like this blue and brown polyclay bracelet I made:

     But a lot of my pieces are too three-dimensional to be captured properly on a scanner, so I wound up with lots of blurry patches, like in this fishy necklace that I loooove:

     Lame. Anyway, I have a lot of photo cropping and editing to do before I can put these new pics up on the site. Look for them sometime in the not-so-distant future.

Wasting Time

"There is no waste of time in life like that of making explanations." ~ Benjamin Disraeli

     I am alive. Sort of. As much as someone with no motivation whatsoever can be alive. There's really not much for me to say, but I'll try to draw it out so I can look like I'm accomplishing something here. That seems to be my approach to a lot of things in life. Anyway, my corner of the world has thawed out a little, so even though it's still cold, at least we're not all trapped in ice anymore. I feel like I've kind of been floating through life halfway asleep lately, but I'm trying desperately to drag myself out of this giant rut I'm in and do something valuable with my time. I did manage to post some of my artwork on my website, so that's new I guess. Also managed to make a few bracelets, but nothing I'm particularly proud of. Tonight when I get home from work, I'm going to force myself to make a necklace... as long as the two little girls I watch don't beat me up or something. Yeah, there's always that "if" factor in my life. If I'm not too tired, if I feel well enough, if there's nothing on the tv that requires my attention, if if if. Anywho, I'll try to post a progress report later. For now, off to work. Super Babysitter away! Woosh!

Hell Has Frozen Over!

     Oh wait. It's just Georgia. Never mind. Though if the Devil went down to Georgia, does that make Georgia hell? Hrm. In any case, my little corner of the world is covered in a sheet of ice and the bottom of my driveway resembles a hockey rink. Too bad I don't ice skate.

     In other news, my trip down to Florida yielded some interesting materials for me to work with. My brother and I took a walk along the beach and I picked up some rather nice shells along the way. I'm going to attempt to drill some holes in the flatter ones and see if I can use them for focal pieces in my jewelry. Of course, that won't really work out with the shells that have a spiral shape, but I'll find some use for them I'm sure.  They were just too pretty to leave behind. Anywho, my aunt and uncle gave me some sand dollars to work with as well, which I'm pretty excited about. I'm going to see if a lovely friend of mine would like to paint them and make a collection of sand dollar jewelry with me. I'd paint them myself, but Jess would do a far better job of it than I ever could, and it would give me an excuse to have art jams with her. It would be nice to get Amanda from Balagan Art in on the action as well, but that might be a little difficult considering the fact that she's still at Berry. Oh well. We'll see how it goes.

     Anyway, I think I'm going to try to scan some of my jewelry. It seems to be a pretty effective method for other jewelry artists, and since my mother has a nice scanner that's pretty new, I suppose I'll give a whirl. It would probably make my father happy since I'm pretty sure he's tired of coming up to my room to photograph tons of jewelry every time I make a new batch. I wish I could scan some of my drawings as well, but we definitely don't have a scanner big enough for that. I think maybe I'll put up some of the photos I've taken of my portraits on the site, just to get rid of that empty art page. At least it will do until I can get images of a high enough quality to start selling prints. But yeah, that's all I have to say right now. Guess I'll try to get some work done. There's a novel idea, huh?

New Year Blah-dee Blah Blah

     I really have nothing good to say here, but I thought I should let the world know that I'm alive. Been busy with the holidays, a little bit of drawing, and the Sims 3 Ambitions which I got for Christmas. I had a good Christmas and New Year's Eve (everyone should play Apples to Apples when they're drinking), though tonight I'm feeling rather stressed, angry, and depressed. Personal problems. Sometimes I really think I should be a hermit, or at least just stick with one or two people who are actually capable of being there for me when I need them. Speaking of which, my old college roomie is back in the area, which means that I'll hopefully be having a lot more fun and getting more work done. She tends to inspire me and keep me motivated. Honestly, I don't think I would have survived my senior project without her. So yeah, she came over the other day and we had a good time being all creative and stuff together. She paints, I draw, we swap ideas, etc. She's doing this new collage/painting thing that I can't wait to see when it's all done.

     So anyway, that's all I've got really. I'll be leaving tomorrow to visit family in Florida for the rest of the week, so I probably won't have any good posts until next week. Still, family can inspire you to say some weird things, so who knows? Maybe I'll write something interesting if I can find an internet connection while I'm there.